9 Ways Comparing Yourself To Others Is The Biggest Scam

Light from another sunrise makes it its way through a squint in my venetian blinds. In a dream-like state of half-asleep/half-awake, I roll over to a phone nestled comfortably beside my pillow. I check in on the time to make sure I’m not late for anything. Then, of course, I check in on humanity.

The Instagram app is open. How did that happen? I’m scrolling now. The screen slides effortlessly underneath my thumb like melting ice. My eyes are wide.

Consciously the stimuli begins to roll in:

…There goes the concert I missed last night…
…somebody’s cute baby…
…my friend dropped a new music video…
….wow, look at this art direction…
…ok, this meme is really funny…

Subconsciously, another narrative plays in the background:

…If I were smart, I would’ve been at that show. Have I lost my finesse?…
…I’ll never have babies because babies cost money and I don’t have any money…
…This music video is great - I wonder how many views it has? More than mine…
…I need better art, I’ll never be cool enough…
…If I made more jokes, I’d have more friends…

Have you been here before?

If you’re like me, warped messages from comparing your life to others’ (IRL + online) echo inside your head and drip down to your heart, activating all those familiar feelings of not-enough-ness. Why though?

I’ve heard that comparison is the thief of joy, but what exactly are we supposed to do with this information? I’ve parsed together a few ideas.

Here are 9 things I remember when I need to get out of the comparison-trap:

1. Comparison is a fact of the human experience, there’s no getting around it and therefore no use in harboring shame about it.

2. Comparison is a distraction. Feeling bad about the way your life compares to someone else’s is just another way to avoid the tasks in front of you.

3. Comparison is petty. Many times I’ve realized I don’t even want something until I’ve seen that someone else has it. Stop and think - is this a real desire of mine? Or am I just hating out of fear of being left behind?

4. Comparison is ego-based. An unchecked ego is literally unattractive. Trying to protect your self-image by ramming it up against others only blocks new opportunities. With your head stuck in the white sands of another’s curated achievements and aesthetics, all the good that’s meant specifically for you passes by without notice.

5. Comparison pays no respect to differences. Each of us are living different lives with vastly different paths. Even identical twins. So expecting any of us to end up at the same place or the same conclusion at the same time just makes no sense.

6. Comparison forgets where you came from. So you went to a good school, got good grades, got a good job, and then seemingly threw it all away to pursue a creative endeavor you were passionate about. It was a sacrifice, but now you’re basically doing what you want 90 percent of the time. So why do you salivate over the projected stability and business card titles of your college friends, knowing all that you’ve bravely created for yourself in the here and now? You’re exactly where you need to be.

7. Comparison lives off of assumptions. If your mind is an inbox, assumptions belong in the spam folder. We tend to tell ourselves the worst possible version of a story and end up acting things out in real life to try and make it true. Assumptions can keep you stuck in a negative loop about yourself that you were never supposed to subscribe to in the first place. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements, “Once you recover all the energy that you invested in making assumptions, you can use that energy to create a new dream: your personal heaven.”

8. Not all comparison is bad. Comparison can light you on fire in a positive way. Just don’t hold on so long to it that it burns. Let it be catalyst for changes that are realistic and healthy.

9. Life is not a race. You may have heard the saying, “it’s a marathon, not a sprint.” But I’d trash that competitive concept all together. How about…life is a school dance. You show up, awkward as hell, move your body around, take some pictures, pretend to have fun until you find a way to actually enjoy yourself, and stay until the end.

What tips do you use to break the spell of comparison?

High Maintenance: 5 Tips I Use To Stay Consistent With New Habits

The beginning was super strong. You launched the project, calendared the deadlines, showed up to the meetings, created the mood board, completed the workout…You sowed the seeds of an ambitious new routine. But now one of two things is likely happening.

1. You’re stuck staring at the soil, tapping your feet, biting your nails, still waiting to see the real results of your labor. "Maybe I should try something else? “ Or…

2. You’ve seen a tiny sprout - the renewed productivity, the glowing of the skin - you got hype and now you’re thinking about taking a day or two off. “I just don’t feel like it today”

Don’t fall for it. It’s a trap. I know because I’ve been a victim so many times.

Yes…that was me killing it at eating clean, who looked in the mirror, saw the whisper of an ab and decided to celebrate by pissing the rest of the week’s planned disciplines away. A week became a month, and before I knew it I had self-loathed myself back into a corner with my old ways. Safely nestled in the comfort zone, but not where I wanted to be.

And yes, that was also me, who set up weekly writing sessions in hopes of getting more work done and conveniently forgot to reschedule when one of my collaborators cancelled last-minute. Soon after, I had quietly given up on maintaining a creative schedule because I felt like one too many factors were out of my control.

Our brains are so clever at keeping us locked into what we’re used to. After all, our egos have a deep-seated interest in keeping things the same. Sameness breeds comfort, complacency, and a sense of protection. What sameness does not breed is true growth, power, and abundance. If that’s what you’re after, you have to put in the work.

So let’s do it. Here are five tips I’m using right now to push through plateau-season and get to the other side of sameness.

1. Forgive yourself. Do what you can. After years of trying to follow every rule to perfection, I’m finally learning how to make adjustments to my process based on what actually works for me. It’s like cooking without strict measurements - season to taste. If waking up at 6 AM doesn’t work for me, I wake up at 8. If spending more than four hours inside the studio drains me, I’ll take a break. If I’m not feeling 500 words, I’ll start with 50. As long as I continue to show up every day, a muscle is getting worked. Consistency over everything.

   Even though falling off the wagon sucks, it’s no longer an excuse to stay down. Some days are just off, and on those days I’m telling myself that half-assing is better than no-assing. Keep it simple in service of the bigger picture.

2. Visualize the new you. There’s a future me looking back at the current me saying “what’s good?” Future me has a new mindset. Future me is three months sober. Future me is detached from unhealthy relationships. Future me is using joy and the power of positive thinking to game the system. It may feel corny for current me to say it, but future me doesn’t care.

3. Double-down on the good stuff. Whenever I miss a few days writing in my accomplishment journal I make sure to go back and finish my entries - even if it means 4x the work. If I’ve skipped a workout sometimes I’ll put in two sessions the next day to catch up. And I’ll put an inspirational talk on repeat over and over if I’m really needing that message. To be clear, this isn’t out of guilt or punishment, but to remind myself that I can actually do more than I think. The confidence of being extra in my completion gets me back on track.

4. Connect The Dots. I’ve started paying attention to the lifestyle patterns that lead me closer to the things I want with ease. For example, when I’m in the kitchen eating breakfast over the sink it’s usually a great time to reach over and pre-heat the oven. Before I’m out the door, I will have already roasted up some vegetables I can use for that night’s dinner instead of draining my food budget with Uber Eats. When you can hack into some positive triggers and start intentionally placing those throughout your day it’s like engaging both the domino effect and the path of least resistance at the same damn time. And I love a 2-for-1.

5. Five-second rule. I’m painfully over-thoughtful sometimes when it comes to taking action, so I’ve tried to implement a five-second rule with certain decisions I need to make. Today I was in the middle of reading a book and it came to mind that I should call my manager for a quick question. I almost hesitated by running through all of the possible scenarios. “I should finish this page first.” “What if they don’t pick up?” “Should I text instead?” “Maybe after lunch?” “Maybe I’ll wait ‘til after the weekend?” Implementing the five-second rule allowed me to skip the drama and get to the point. Two seconds to put the book down. Two seconds to pick up the phone. One second to tap the call button. Done and done. I was back to the rest of my day in no less than 2 minutes and the best part is I didn’t have to carry the weight of this simple task around all day.

Now that I’ve laid out my inner dialogue for the internet to observe, how about you? How do you deal with plateaus in reaching goals when you’re no longer feeling the momentum?

4 Real-Life Quotes That Transformed My Views On Love

Occasionally I like to go to the digital altar of Google-YouTube, make a sacrifice of attention, and seek guidance from my favorite teachers - people much wiser, older, and transcendent than myself . It’s interesting, how I’ll have heard a quote year after year in passing only to discover its true meaning after a major life-happening slaps me in the face.

I’ve done a lot of growing up over the last few years and as I came to redefine my own identity as an artist and adult, I also came to redefine my ideas about love and romance.

I learned that love is not easy. That love is a choice. I learned that my capacity to be in relationship with others will always be connected to my relationship with myself. And that love can be so much bigger than the boxes we force it into.

My generation gives Disney movies and 90s sitcoms a lot of blame for creating unrealistic expectations and destructive norms around love, gender, sex, and marriage. If only we had listened to some of the alternative voices that have been speaking on it all this time, shedding light on a deeper, more universal truth. Here are a few of my favorites:

Love Without Labels

David Whyte (poet, philosopher):

Naming love too early is a beautiful but harrowing human difficulty. Most of our heartbreak comes from attempting to name who or what we love and the way we love, too early in the vulnerable journey of discovery.

We can never know in the beginning, in giving ourselves to a person, to a work, to a marriage or to a cause, exactly what kind of love we are involved with. When we demand a certain specific kind of reciprocation before the revelation has flowered completely we find ourselves disappointed and bereaved and in that grief may miss the particular form of love that is actually possible but that did not meet our initial and too specific expectations. Feeling bereft we take our identity as one who is disappointed in love, our almost proud disappointment preventing us from seeing the lack of reciprocation from the person or the situation as simply a difficult invitation into a deeper and as yet unrecognizable form of affection.

Love For The Right Reasons

Eartha Kitt (singer, actress, dancer, activist):

There is nothing more beautiful than falling in love, but falling in love for the right reasons.

When you fall in love, what is there to compromise about?

Yes, I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me - I want someone to share me with me.

Love Means Letting Go

Maya Angelou (poet, singer, memoirist, activist):

Love Liberates. It doesn’t just hold. That’s ego.

Love Liberates. It doesn’t bind.

Love says I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re ‘cross town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now. So I love you. Go.

Love Is Not Easy

Erich Fromm (psychoanalyst, philosopher):

Love today is a relatively rare phenomenon.

We have a great deal of illusion about love, as something one falls in. But the question is that one cannot fall in love, really. One has to be in love.

Love is not easy. All great religions postulate love as one of the greatest accomplishments. If it were that easy or as easy as most people think, certainly those religious leaders would have been rather naive.

What inspired teachings or life experiences have influenced the way you look at love?

I Am Not An Expert

As I begin calling in more consistency when it comes to sharing with the world not only my work, but my words, I feel compelled to put this out there:

I am not an expert.

I don’t really know how to be more productive or quiet negative thoughts.

I don’t really know how to beat your fears or thrive on this stomach-churning rollercoaster that is life.

I don’t really know how any of this is going to work for you in terms of personal success and peace of mind.

All I have is my experience - as I’m living it and creating it in real time. That’s all I got. That’s my gift with return receipt.

I am not an expert. I am an experiment.

ex·per·i·ment (noun)

a scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis, or demonstrate a known fact.

"I have tested this by experiment"

synonyms:test, investigation, trial, inquiry, demonstration; 

I am a series of hard tries and hard fails and second chance after second chance and hard resets of all the clocks.

It’s Groundhog Day meets The Matrix meets The Secret meets The Truman Show with a lot of improv in between.

I’m learning how to hack this for myself - by reading, writing, thinking, and not-thinking.

I’m also learning how to cope with just “feeling.” And letting that lead me into just “being.”

Sure, I’ve got glimpses of change, blips on the radar, islands on the horizon that I’m semi-mapping out in public. Still, anything beyond that is a complete mystery.

“True wisdom is knowing what you don’t know”

— Confucious, apparently.

But hey, not knowing can be a beautiful thing.

And that’s no expert opinion. Just my experience.

Sober Thoughts: How Going Alcohol-Free Is Changing Me

It’s no new news. I’ve known for years now the benefits that come from drinking less. Boosts to my overall productivity and mood are a given. And yet still I manage to relapse into old habits, especially over the holidays.

That’s why January seemed like a good time to try an alcohol-fast again. With a handful of new year’s intentions surrounding my health and wellness, taking a break from the bottle was the logical first step.

To be honest, there’s never been a time that I couldn’t make justified for a drink. As an artist it’s easy to self-medicate with my friends. We take to drinking and other substances to enhance our creativity, cope with creeping instability, and to celebrate each other’s wins.

But to be more honest, I’m also aware enough to know when my drinking habit is starting to become more than a benign indulgence. Unresolved boredom, loneliness, grief, and impatience have all been great excuses for me to numb myself with an extra glass of wine after a session or a nightcap before bed.

On the 1st of the month I vowed that this time my break from alcohol would be different. I wouldn’t make any big announcements and I wouldn’t give it a cute name like “Sober January” (until about 2 weeks later when I finally gave-in. Who can resist a catch phrase?).

This time I wanted to make the decision devoid of drama.

And crazy enough, it’s worked. Although I half-joke about how boring my life has gotten as a result, I’m willing to bear it for the benefits.

Here are 30 things I’ve learned from 30 days of not drinking.

1. It’s a challenge, but it can be done.

2. A life change like giving up booze is often the catalyst for more change.

3. Some friends and family members will be really supportive of your choice.

4. Most will be indifferent.

5. Others will see it as an opportune time to project their own doubts and insecurities onto you. Ignore them.

6. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you live on the day-to-day. That includes those doubting voices in your head.

7. You don’t have to offer someone a beer when they come over for them to like you.

8. You can still go out to bars, brunch (meh), and house parties to socialize with people who drink. You just have to plan the non-alcoholic beverage you’re going to order ahead of time.

9. Drinks for going out that lift my spirits without containing spirits:

   A) High-end ginger beer like Bundaberg or Fever-Tree,

   B) Bitters and soda* which has less sugar and is more impressive when you’re pitching to a bartender than ginger ale (this article explains why)

   C) Kombucha* (for lunch)

   D) Hot Tea (for dinner)

10. *Yes, both booch and bitters have trace amounts of alcohol but it’s not worth keeping score here.

11. You make your own rules to this thing. It’s your life.

12. Get ready to be hydrated. Less wine, more water.

13. Adding fresh lemon or lime goes a long way.

14. Get ready for clearer skin.

15. Get ready to have so much extra time, extra money, and extra thoughts. What are you going to do with it all?

16. I found that channeling my excess energy into things like grocery shopping and cooking is productive.

17. Writing exercises and journaling are another great way to channel that excess energy.

18. A break from drinking is a great time to pick up an old book with new eyes.

19. It’s easier to wake up early when you’re not hungover.

20. It’s easier to work out when you’re not hungover.

21. Hot Yoga is a great substitute for tequila.

22. Missing out on happy hour is not the end of the world.

23. Notice yourself trying to fill the void with other vices, like spending all the money you just saved. Don’t judge. Just watch.

24. There’s no wrong way to sip a Perrier.

25. You don’t have to demonize your past or hate on anyone else’s present to do something different with your future.

26. When you remove a numbing agent like alcohol, you end up hearing a lot more of what your body has been trying to tell you this whole time. Things like, you’re sad, you’re anxious, you’ve got insomnia, or on the flip… you are the motherf***ing sh**.

27. It will take time for the mental clouds to clear. That “aha!” moment is not exactly guaranteed.

28. But when clarity finally comes, you’ll probably see it manifested as heightened creativity. After all, you’ve gotta be creative to solve problems when alcohol isn’t there to make them go away.

29. Sober January may feel so good that you’ll want to try Sober February.

30. Everyday is a chance to recommit to yourself and celebrate a promise kept.

Meditative Music: Jean-Michel Blais - Roses

“‘roses’ is a funeral piece dedicated to my friend’s mother who died from cancer. The ostinato, the repeating single note in the intro, represents her beating heart, and the ever-present tumour, sometimes forgotten but still growing.”

— Jean-Michel Blais

Buy / Listen: http://smarturl.it/jmbroses

Jean-Michel Blais On Tour: https://jeanmichelblais.com/#tour